Nobody plans to stay in a dangerous relationship. But if you’re reading this right now, you already know that leaving can be the most dangerous time of all.
Statistics show that nearly 75% of domestic violence-related deaths happen when someone is trying to leave or has just left their abuser. That number should make you pause. But here’s what else matters: having a safety plan can literally save your life.
This isn’t about living in fear or accepting your situation. This is about being smart, being prepared, and giving yourself the best possible chance at a safe exit and a safe future. Let’s walk through what you need to know.
Domestic Violence Safety Planning Checklist
Safety planning isn’t a one-size-fits-all process, and what works for someone else might not work for you. Here are the essential steps you need to consider as you create your personalized safety plan.
1. Create Your Emergency Contact List
Your lifeline starts with knowing exactly who to call and when. Write down the numbers for your local domestic violence hotline, police department, nearby hospital, and at least three trusted friends or family members who can help in an emergency. Keep this list hidden but accessible—memorize the most critical numbers if you can.
Consider creating a code word or phrase with your trusted contacts. Something simple like “I’m thinking about ordering pizza tonight” could signal that you need immediate help without alerting your abuser. Your friends and family will know to call 911 or come to your location right away.
Store these contacts under different names in your phone. Your local shelter might be listed as “Dr. Anderson’s office,” or your best friend might appear as a work colleague. These small details matter when someone is checking your phone.
3. Pack Your Go-Bag
Think of this as your escape kit. You need a bag packed and hidden where your abuser won’t find it—maybe at a trusted friend’s house, in your car trunk, or at your workplace. Inside, you’ll want clothing for several days, toiletries, any medications you take regularly, and a pair of comfortable shoes you can run in if necessary.
But here’s what many people forget: copies of important documents. Birth certificates, social security cards, marriage license, lease or mortgage papers, insurance documents, bank statements, and any protective orders or police reports. These papers are your proof of identity and your ticket to starting over. Take photos of everything and email them to a secure account your abuser doesn’t know about.
Money matters too. Try to set aside cash in small bills—at least enough for a few nights in a motel, food, and gas. If you have access to a separate bank account, even better. Credit cards leave a trail, and that trail can lead someone directly to you.
The bag should also contain one or two sentimental items if space allows. A favorite photo, a small keepsake, something that reminds you why you’re doing this. Your emotional wellbeing counts.
2. Know Your Safe Places
Map out where you’ll go when you leave. Not just one place, but three or four options. Your first choice might be a domestic violence shelter, but you should also identify friends’ homes, family members’ houses, or even public places like police stations or fire departments where you can go if your primary option falls through.
Here’s something crucial: avoid places you’ve mentioned before or locations you frequent. Your abuser knows your routine. They know your best friend’s address and your sister’s apartment. Pick somewhere unexpected if possible.
Public spaces can be temporary safe zones too. A busy coffee shop, library, or shopping center can give you time to make calls and arrange longer-term shelter. Stay where people can see you.
Drive the routes to these places ahead of time. Know which roads are fastest, which ones avoid traffic, and which ones have good lighting if you’re leaving at night. Practice makes perfect, even in emergencies.
4. Document Everything
Start keeping a journal of incidents—dates, times, what happened, who was there, and any injuries you sustained. Write down threats, property damage, everything. Store this journal somewhere safe, somewhere your abuser can’t destroy it.
Take photos of any injuries or property damage. Visible bruises, broken doors, holes in walls, damaged belongings. Back these photos up to a cloud storage account your partner doesn’t know about. This documentation becomes critical evidence if you pursue legal action later.
Save threatening text messages, voicemails, emails, and social media posts. Don’t delete anything, even if it’s painful to look at. Screenshots work, but also forward messages to a trusted friend’s email or your secret account for backup. Courts take this evidence seriously.
Medical records matter too. If you’ve sought treatment for injuries, get copies of those records. ER visits, doctor’s appointments, therapy sessions—all of it creates a timeline that validates your experience.
5. Protect Your Digital Privacy
Your phone might be tracking you right now. Check for any apps you didn’t install, especially ones that could monitor your location, calls, or messages. Stalkerware is real, and it’s more common than you think.
Change all your passwords—email, social media, banking, everything. Use a device your abuser has never touched to do this, like a library computer or a friend’s phone. Create complex passwords that don’t include birthdays, pet names, or anything easy to guess. Better yet, use a password manager if you can access one safely.
Turn off location sharing on all your apps and social media platforms. Those innocent check-ins at your favorite restaurant or tagged photos at your new apartment can reveal exactly where you are. Ask friends not to tag you in photos or posts.
Consider getting a new phone number once you leave. Yes, it’s inconvenient to update everyone, but your safety trumps convenience every single time. A burner phone for the transition period can give you communication access while you set up a new permanent service.
6. Establish Financial Independence
Open a bank account at a different bank than the one you currently use. Have statements sent to a trusted friend’s address or set up online-only access. Even if you can only deposit $10 here and there, that account represents your future independence.
If you’re working, make sure your paycheck goes into this separate account. Talk to your HR department about keeping your personal information confidential—many companies have protocols for employees dealing with domestic violence situations.
Cancel any joint credit cards if you can do so safely, or at least monitor them closely for unusual activity. Your abuser might rack up debt in your name or use purchases to track your location.
Start building your credit separately if you haven’t already. This might mean getting a secured credit card or becoming an authorized user on a trusted family member’s account. Financial abuse often destroys credit scores, and you’ll need decent credit to rent an apartment, get utilities connected, or sometimes even land a job.
7. Tell Someone at Work
This feels risky, but it can save your life. Talk to your supervisor or HR department about your situation. Many employers have safety protocols in place—they can screen calls, refuse to give out your information, provide an escort to your car, or adjust your work location.
Provide a photo of your abuser to security or reception if your workplace has those services. Make sure they know this person should not be allowed in the building or given any information about you.
Consider changing your work schedule or shift if possible. Predictable routines make you vulnerable. If your abuser knows you leave work at 5 p.m. every day, they know exactly when and where to find you.
Your workplace might also offer an Employee Assistance Program that provides free counseling, legal consultations, or other resources. Use them.
8. Secure Housing in Advance
Contact domestic violence shelters in your area before you need them. Get on waiting lists if necessary. Learn what documentation they require, what items they allow you to bring, how long you can stay, and what services they offer. Being informed means you won’t waste precious time during an emergency.
If shelters aren’t an option, reach out to friends or family members who can host you temporarily. Be honest about the danger level. They need to know what they’re agreeing to because your abuser might show up at their door.
Look into transitional housing programs, which bridge the gap between emergency shelter and permanent housing. These programs often last several months and provide case management, job assistance, and other support services.
Research landlords who accept tenants with limited rental history or poor credit. Some property management companies work specifically with domestic violence survivors. Your local shelter can often provide referrals.
9. Know Your Legal Options
Restraining orders aren’t perfect, but they do establish legal boundaries and consequences. Research how to obtain a protective order in your area—many courthouses have advocates who can help you file the paperwork for free.
Document violations of protective orders immediately. Call police every single time your abuser contacts you or shows up somewhere they shouldn’t be. Each report creates a paper trail that strengthens your case.
Custody matters if you have children. Consult with a family law attorney about your options. Many lawyers offer free or low-cost consultations for domestic violence survivors, and some legal aid organizations specialize in these cases.
Consider filing for divorce or separation once you’re safely away. Staying legally connected to your abuser gives them continued access to your information and your life. Legal separation can also protect you financially from debts they incur after you leave.
10. Prepare Your Children
If you have kids, they need their own safety plan. Teach them how to call 911 and what to say. Practice with them. Make it age-appropriate but clear.
Identify a safe room in your current home where children can go during an incident—somewhere with a lock and a phone. Better yet, teach them to leave the house entirely and go to a trusted neighbor’s home if violence starts.
Your children should know your code word too. They need to understand that when you use that phrase, they should follow their safety plan immediately without questions or delays.
Talk to their school or daycare about who is and isn’t allowed to pick them up. Provide photos and written instructions. Update emergency contact lists to remove your abuser if possible, or at least make sure the school knows to call you first.
Pack a separate go-bag for each child with clothes, favorite toys or comfort items, copies of their medical records, and current photos. Keep medications they take regularly, and make sure you have copies of custody documents or birth certificates.
11. Trust Your Instincts About Timing
You know your abuser better than anyone else. You can sense when their mood is shifting, when danger is escalating, when you need to move fast. Listen to that inner voice.
Some moments are safer than others. When your abuser is at work, asleep, or away from home might be your best window. Plan your departure for these times if possible.
But here’s the truth: sometimes you can’t wait for perfect timing. If violence is imminent or escalating rapidly, leave now. Right now. Your carefully constructed plan matters less than your immediate safety.
Call the domestic violence hotline (1-800-799-7233) if you need help deciding. Advocates can talk through your specific situation and help you assess danger levels.
12. Build Your Support Network
Isolation is an abuser’s best weapon. Fight against it by maintaining connections with people who care about you. Regular check-ins with trusted friends or family members mean someone will notice if you suddenly go silent.
Join support groups, either in person or online. Connecting with other survivors helps you feel less alone and provides practical advice from people who truly understand what you’re going through.
Find a therapist if you can access one safely. Many domestic violence organizations offer free counseling services. Therapy helps you process trauma, rebuild your self-esteem, and develop coping strategies for the road ahead.
Religious or community organizations might offer assistance too—food banks, clothing drives, financial help with deposits or moving expenses. You don’t have to do this alone, and you don’t have to have all the answers yourself.
13. Plan for Pets
Your pets are family, and abusers know how much they mean to you. They might threaten or harm your animals to maintain control. Don’t let that stop you from leaving.
Contact local animal shelters or rescue organizations about fostering options. Many areas have programs specifically designed to house pets belonging to domestic violence survivors. Your local domestic violence shelter can connect you with these resources.
Document pet ownership if you can—veterinary records, adoption papers, and photos showing the pet with you over time. This matters if your abuser tries to claim the animal belongs to them.
Pack pet supplies in advance. Food, medications, vaccination records, and a favorite toy. If you’re leaving suddenly and can’t bring your pet immediately, know who can pick them up for you later.
Wrapping Up
Creating a safety plan takes courage, and following through takes even more. But you deserve to live without fear, without violence, and without constantly looking over your shoulder.
These steps aren’t guarantees—nothing can be—but they significantly improve your chances of leaving safely and staying safe afterward.
Start where you are, use what you have, and take one step at a time. Your life has value, and protecting it is always the right choice.